Book Review: Frientimacy; How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness
by Shasta Nelson
Shasta Nelson’s Frientimacy centers on one of the most pressing needs in the modern world: close-knit friendships, companionship, and a shared sense of community. In today’s world, it is easy to get lost in the hustle and bustle of daily life, and most people tend to feel isolated and lonely. Despite having many friends, we still feel a void in our relationships and a niggling need for greater intimacy. Frientimacy is a book about acknowledging and filling that void and turning our unfulfilled friendships into a ‘frientimacy’: a ‘friendship intimacy’, as the author describes.
Frientimacy describes in great detail what an intimacy gap is, the causes of these gaps, and the negative implications that such gaps can have on our personal growth and quality of life. It emphasizes that we are wired to be interdependent and demonstrates the benefits of healthy and profound relationships. It encourages readers to accept and acknowledge these gaps, take practical steps, and commit to closing them. The ultimate premise of this book is that our friendships can be better, we need better friendships, and we want better friendships even if we don’t realize it, and it sets out to help us achieve just that.
There’s a lot to like about this book. The simplicity of the ideas yet the profoundness they carry is very commendable. The attention to detail, easy-to-read style, practical examples, and real-life scenarios all help make it a memorable read. The book is divided into three significant parts delineated into chapters. Part 1 describes an intimacy gap and stresses the need to acknowledge and commit to closing those gaps. First, we must recognize these gaps whether our ego agrees or not. We must then commit to closing those gaps by first realizing that it’s almost impossible to find the perfect friend.
In most instances, people with an intimacy gap don’t necessarily need better friends; they need better friendships. Furthermore, you don’t discover the right friendships; you develop them. After committing to closing intimacy gaps, you must focus on learning how to create the right friendships rather than trying unrelentlessly (and failing repeatedly) to ‘discover’ them!
Part 2 focuses on the ‘Frientimacy Triangle’, which, as the name implies, highlights the three most essential elements in taking our friendships to the desired levels. Each side of this metaphorical triangle represents one of three critical elements in deepening friendships and pursuing healthier relationships. These are positivity, consistency, and vulnerability. Positivity creates a healthy ‘give and take’ dynamic free of toxicity and unwarranted negativity. Consistency helps build trust and reliability in a relationship, while Vulnerability, which has to do with openness and sharing, deepens the bond of friendship.
This part explores the three ingredients and why each is integral to a blossoming friendship in great detail, along with several illustrative scenarios and real-life examples. In the other chapters in part 2, Shasta Nelson explains why most relationships remain casual by highlighting five intimacy gaps. These gaps are unsurprisingly caused by an imbalance of one or two of the three elements of the ‘Frientimacy Triangle’ mentioned previously. They are caused by a low positivity imbalance, a low consistency/low vulnerability imbalance, a low consistency/high vulnerability imbalance, a high consistency/low vulnerability imbalance, and a high consistency/high vulnerability imbalance. The meaning of these imbalanced dynamics and the intimacy gaps they create are not the focus here, but they are correctly examined in detail in the book Frientimacy.
In Part 3, in the first chapter, a critical point is stressed; leaning into intimacy. Shasta notes here that she views friendships as investments and that fostering a great friendship always takes a long time. ‘People are not last year’s smartphone model to be simply upgraded every year or two’. This chapter reiterates that relationships are ‘worth the trouble’. Therefore, if we truly want better friendships, we must be willing to put in the work upon which the benefits will start trickling in. Investing in relationships aids our personal growth and helps us explore more of ourselves. It creates an emotional support cushion and helps us shed a lot of stress. According to a quote from the book Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg, ‘we hold ourselves back… by pulling back when we should be leaning in’. In other words, by leaning into intimacy with others, we lean more into ourselves equally!
The following five chapters focus on five obstacles to intimacy, a chapter dedicated to each obstacle. These obstacles are as follows: Doubting your Self-Worth, the Fear of Rejection, the Toxic Friend Trend, Jealousy and Envy, and Holding Ourselves Back. All of these are the biggest obstacles to developing great friendships. One of the most remarkable things about these five chapters is that they clarify that these obstacles are a ‘you’ thing, and the solutions lie within you and your mental space.
As Shasta Nelson aptly puts it, ‘relationships are the gym for the soul,’ this metaphor is expressed differently in many parts of the book. Applying these ideas will make you a better person and make you more effective in your social interactions. They will help you improve your perception of yourself, and your confidence will get a much-needed boost.
The book concludes with a handy chapter for tracking our frientimacy, providing a Sample Frientimacy Chart to evaluate our friendships and a Frientimacy Workbook with other beneficial resources such as quizzes, charts, and examples. In the Epilogue, les. Shasta Nelson’s final words categorically declare that friendships can save the world. The book’s Appendix also contains further resources, such as an online Friendship Matching Site created by Shasta Nelson in 2008, a friendship curriculum, and similar books to read.
Frientimacy is a worthwhile read, and its message is even more critical in today’s world where toxicity is rampant, tolerance is becoming obliterated, and internet cancel culture has become cancer to that shared sense of community that we all cherish. Without mincing words, Frientimacy emphasizes that phrases such as ‘the only person you can depend on is yourself’ or ‘loneliness is the price of success’ damage our personal growth and go against our innate attributes as social beings.
Shasta Nelson’s optimism and positive outlook shine through on every page. We can all embrace this positive side of life if we also apply the gems of knowledge shared in this book and begin developing those deep and lasting friendships we all desire.
